Stop Telling Women to ‘Smile More’— It’s Time to End This Workplace Double Standard

As we race to our social media channels to recognize and honor Women’s Equality Day, let’s not forget the daily struggles women continue to face both at our kitchen tables and at our conference room tables.

In our workplaces, the everyday bias women face on how we speak, how we look and how we act can slowly chip away at us. And sometimes, these comments and actions that may be categorized as “innocent mistakes” impact performance reviews and advancement and promotion opportunities. All of which hits our paychecks, ultimately contributing to widening the gender pay gap.

In my book, The Devil Emails at Midnight: What Good Leaders Can Learn From Bad Bosses, I share that my former boss, whom I nicknamed The Cheerleader, always wanted me to be happy. He wanted me to be smiling big like a Cheshire Cat or The Joker.

“Why aren’t you smiling? What happened? Don’t worry, be happy!” The Cheerleader would always say this to me, pointing to his mouth and making a hand gesture for me to smile. And most of the time when I received this feedback, nothing had actually happened. I would be just at my desk diligently working, focused and apparently, not smiling. But he wanted me to always be smiling and always be projecting happiness, no matter what the circumstances were. This left my cheekbones sore and me feeling exhausted from the pretense of always projecting a positive, can-do attitude instead of just doing my work.

So on this Women’s Equality Day, stop asking women to smile at work. Instead, here are three things leaders should focus on to break the bias in our workplaces.

Related: 3 Ways Female Entrepreneurs Can Shatter Stereotypes While Also Empowering Others

1. Focus on performance, not if they are smiling

According to one study, 98% of women reported being told to smile at work sometime during the course of their careers, and 15% said the request to smile on demand happens weekly for them, if not more frequently. Of course, individuals who smile may be viewed as happier, likable and approachable.

“Smiling is very much associated as a gender marker,” says Marianne LaFrance, a professor of women’s, gender, and sexuality studies at Yale University and author of the book Why Smile? “It marks one’s femininity and a more communal stance toward life. Though smiling is generally a positive characteristic, it falls to women to do more of it because we want to make sure women are doing what we expect them to do, which is to care for others.”

Telling women to smile may seem harmless in the workplace. And it reinforces the societal expectation that women should be cheerful, approachable and make others feel more comfortable with a simple smile.

Don’t use “the smile” as an indicator of whether women are performing or not on the job. Rather than focusing on their facial expressions, focus on their performance. Ensure all employees have clear goals and metrics and they understand when and what they are expected to deliver. And take the time to evaluate them fairly based on their work, and not based on how often they smile.

Related: If You Want to Honor Women’s Equality Day, Start by Re-evaluating the Performance Feedback You Give Women at Work

2. Recognize and respect how individuals express emotions

I enjoy smiling. But when my former boss, The Cheerleader, would tell me to smile on demand, that’s when I started to dislike smiling. At times, I would shoot a quick smile back just to appease the situation. And when I am doing work at my desk, I am concentrating on completing the task at hand. I am not focused on how I look, if I am smiling or not. I just want to do the best work I can.

For women, smiling on demand in the workplace can seem more like a requirement. According to Harvard Business Review, “This pervasive stereotype not only characterizes Black women as more hostile, aggressive, overbearing, illogical, ill-tempered and bitter, but it may also be holding them back from realizing their full potential in the workplace.”

Let’s recognize and respect how women, and all individuals, express emotions, especially being content or happy at work. Depending on the culture and environment you were raised in, a smile doesn’t always equal happiness.

For some, a smile without clear context or reasoning may seem suspicious, even a sign of weakness or dishonesty. For some, smiling constantly may be a way to mask how they are truly feeling. For some, they may not smile freely at strangers and only smile with close friends or family members where they feel comfortable. Remember that smiling is not the only way to determine if someone feels they are content and doing well at their job.

Related: Men Are Seen as Experts More Often Than Their Women Counterparts — and It’s Time to Break Those Gender Biases.

3. Challenge the idea that smiling is part of the job requirement

As leaders, do we ask women to smile more than men? And if we do, why is it a job requirement at all to be ready to flash a smile on demand? Here’s how we can respectfully challenge and break through the bias:

Do we ask Jeff to smile more often, who is also up for a promotion? Why is this feedback we are specifically giving Mita, to smile more and be happier in the office?

Mita has gotten strong performance ratings the last two years in a row, and this year, she has exceeded all her goals and has received positive feedback from her team and peers. Can someone help me understand why we need her to smile more?

Why do we need Mita to smile more often? What makes us uncomfortable about her not smiling? Is her lack of smiling impacting her performance?

Next time you have the urge to ask a woman to smile more at work, stop and pause. Why does she need to smile to be successful and happy at work? Help yourself and others move beyond how she looks and focus on how she drives business results to help break the bias in our workplaces.